The joy of friendships

Estimated Reading time 4 minutes 

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Learning

Today’s newsletter delves into why developing good quality friendships is key to our wellbeing and my personal take on forming them.

People with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely, according to Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis of more than 308,000 people - a risk factor even greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day.

Participants who have a friend by their side while completing a tough task have less heart rate reactivity than those working alone (Kamarck, T. W., et al., Psychosomatic Medicine, Vol. 52, No. 1, 1990).

All these studies are proof of the benefits of having good friends. The question, however, is how to develop a good friendship. There is no rulebook, but here’s my take on how to go about it

1. Do anything, but swipe. Swiping Sucks:

For readers who are not familiar, the app called 'Bumble,' popularly known for dating, also has a BFF mode where you can literally swipe on people to be friends with them.

I tried it. It didn’t work.

You evaluate your potential friends based on their looks and partially on what they say in their bio.

Humble brag: The bio-making process is kind of fun. (Check out my bio below.)

The point being, friendships should not be based on face value and appearance alone. There is more to it, which brings me to my next point

2. Meet people IRL (in real life)

There are plethora of avenues such as:

Meetup - Meetup is a social media platform for hosting and organizing in-person and virtual activities, gatherings, and events for people and communities of similar interests, hobbies, and professions.

Eventbrite - Eventbrite is an American event management and ticketing website. The service allows users to browse, create, and promote local events.

Okay, this is a long shot, but it tends to work at times. Go to your nearest community center and see if they have a volunteering program.

Last but not least, check Facebook Groups in your city.

Pro tip: Don’t rely on other people creating the kind of groups you are interested in; start your own. Create your own Facebook Group or Book Club at work, or tap into your network and organize virtual meetings first based on your interests, then transition to in-person meetups later.

3. Tap into old network:

Sometimes, we are in such a hurry to meet new people that we forget to catch up with those we already know.

I'm sure the city you are in has people you know from college, ex-colleagues, and new interactions you had with people that you just left at that.

I think I needed to hear this too: Friendship is a process.

Finding people you can 'click' with is certainly difficult, but clicking does not just happen. We need to remember that change is the only constant, and hence the people we interact with will also change. For all you know, interactions with you may shift their perspective and aspirations.

Scroll through your contact lists and ask yourself: Who have I not spoken to in a long time? Drop them a hello and ask if you can meet for a chat.

Prompt

Before we get to the prompt today, I invite you to be a little interactive.

For the following questions, rate from 1 - 10; 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest.

1. My family and or partner relationships are healthy and fulfilling and where I want them to be.

2. I regularly engage in social connections (happy hour, meetups, etc).

3. I invest time and energy in relationships with family, partner and friends and colleagues.

4. I practice honest communication with friends even when the topic is uncomfortable.

5. I have intentional plan to grow in friendships in next 3 years.

Add your score and then divide it by 5.

If your score ranges between

• 2.0 - 4.4 = We have work to do

• 4.5 - 5.9 = We are off to a great start

• 6.0 - 7.4 = We are good at this thing

• 7.5 - 8.9 = We are great at this thing

• 9.0 - 10.0 = Wooosh, humble brag: I am phenomenal at this!

Here are my own scores to the question:

1. My family and or partner relationships are healthy and fulfilling and where I want them to be: 5

2. I regularly engage in social connections (happy hour, meetups, etc): 6

3. I invest time and energy in relationships with family, partner and friends and colleagues: 6

4. I practice honest communication with friends even when the topic is uncomfortable: 8

5. I have intentional plan to grow in friendships in next 3 year: 3

28/5 = 5.6

Which leaves me in “We are off to a great start” category.

So coming to the prompt:

I have three actionable goals on this front:

1. Take this assessment 1 year from now (Calendar reminder set) and make this score go up.

2. Making more of an intentional effort to speak to my parents 3 - 4 times a week. I have been giving myself lot of excuses such as time zone difference and what more can I add to my the same routine filled conversation anyway. However, I do owe myself and them quality time where I do not check my phone and speak to them distraction free.

3. Meeting at least 2 friends in a month for dinner or coffee and check in on them.

Credits to Lewis Howes for the inspiration for the interactive activity that he writes in his book - The Greatness Mindset

That’s all for today.

Stay Cute and intentional,

Clerisa

P.S if you enjoyed this newsletter, forward it to a friend.

If you’re that sexy friend,